Three Brainworms for Getting Teens Out of Bed

(To the tune of “Oh, Christmas Tree”) Tarantulas, tarantulas Are waiting in your bedroom Tarantulas, tarantulas With abdomens like mushrooms. Eight hairy legs, eight beady eyes, And in between your sheets it hides. Tarantulas, tarantulas Are waiting in your bedroom. (To “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes") There’s black widows in your bed (in your bed!) If they bite you, you’ll be dead, (you’ll be dead!) So you’d better get your butt down here instead. There’s black widows in your bed! (in your bed!) (To “Yankee Doodle”) The centipedes are in your bed, They’re underneath the covers, They’ll cuddle up and bite your butt As intimate as lovers. Centipedes will bite your butt, And they’re feeling randy, And if you do not get up They’ll eat you up like candy.

Run Over a Mongoose

Well, it all started out with a problem:
There were rats in the sugar cane.
It was drivin' the Lymans and the Shipmans and the Bishops
And the Brewers and the Doles insane
So they sent off for a little creature
That had made itself a fearsome name,
So the mongoose came from India to a place were no snakes came,
But the rats hide out all day,,
And the mongoose sleeps all night
And that was the little flaw in the master plan, yeah,
So you better run over a mongoose if you can.

Well, it's faster than a snake with a temper,
And it's meaner than a wild boor hog,
It eats apapanes, amakihis, ios, o'os, nenes and
Occasional cats and dogs.
And it breeds like a rabbit in springtime,
And the springtime is always at hand,
And it travels with its mama, papa, tutu, sistah, brah,
And every hungry relative it can.
But the rats hide out all night,
And the mongoose sleeps all day,
And that was the little flaw in the master plan, yeah,
So you better run over a mongoose if you can.

Well the day surely will be comin'
When the native birds all are gone,
then you better hide your fighting cocks
And keep your poodles under locks
And keep your baby off the lawn,
'Cause the rats hide out all day,
And the mongoose sleeps all night,
And the snakes are sadly lackin' so you got face the fact that
Here the only enemy is man,
So you better run over a mongoose,
Don't you ever, ever brake for a mongoose, yeah,
You'd better run over a mongoose
If you can.

Proud Farmer Blues

Well I've
got my farm
And I
grow my food
and I've
got my baby
but my
baby needs shoes
and I
can't grow shoes
I've got
no cash cows
and I've
got no cash
cause I'm
too damn proud
but I've
got the proud farmer,
Proud farmer blues!

We've got
crop rotations
we've got
contoured rows
and our
garden's organic
and our
food is slow,
we've got
cows and chickens
we've got
trees and hay,
we've got
a great big mortgage
that we
just can't pay
so we've
got those proud farmer,
proud farmer blues!

Well you've
got four tractors
you've got
three combines
you've got
three thousand acres
but you
still want mine
And you've
had no pride
since when
you were born,
But you've
got Federal subsidies to
grow your corn,
And all we've
got is those proud farmer
Proud farmer blues!

Well you've
got no fencerows in be-
tween your fields
and you've
got no wildlife
but you've
got great yields
and you've
got some soil
that's half
washed away
but you've
got fertilizer
that still
makes it all pay,
And all we've
got is those proud farmer,
Proud farmer blues!

They've got
corn fed burgers,
corn oil
for their fries
and high
fructose corn syrup
for their
thunder thighs
And their
cars have gas tanks
spiked with
ethanol
and they
let our taxes -
subsidize it all!
And all we've
got is those proud farmer,
Proud farmer blues!

Well we've
got three children
but they've
gone away
Cause they've
left for college
for their
MBAs
And they
think it's lovely
but they
couldn't stay
'cause they
know that family
farming
just don't pay
Leaving us
with our proud farmer,
Proud farmer blues!

Stonepecker Blues

Well, I got me a great career.
I drive a D-9 for C. Breweer,
It's got a hydraulic hammer, a steel-toothed slammer
Breakin' boulders like bottles of beer,
The only problem's when I get home,
I get the shakes from breakin' all of that stone,
Well, my knees keep shakin' and my arms are quakin',
'Got vibrations down in my bones.
Well, it's drivin' my wife insane,
I'm like a vibratin' machine
But I'm numb down to my shoes.
I've got those stonepecker,
Stonepecker blues!

Well, I 'm the envy of all my peers,
Though I got no feeling in my rear.
I'll make a field of a'a cry for its mama
And I hope that Madame Pele don't hear.
But my own hearing's not so good,
And my arms feel like they're made outta wood,
I got a callous bladder, and my wife gets mad
Because I use the bathroom more than I should.
Well, it's drivin' my wife insane,
I'm like a vibratin' machine,
But my liver is obscene
And my kidneys aren't worth beans
And my guts have settled down
Into a small and compact mound,
And I'm numb down to my shoes,
I've got those stonepecker,
Stonepecker blues!

Slay Ride

Just hear those spent shells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
It’s time to wonder whether
We should slay an Iraqi or two.
Outside the bombs are falling
And children are bawling, "Boo hoo."
It’s time to wonder whether
We should slay an Iraqi or two.

Giddy-yap giddy-yap giddy-yap, let's go
And look at the show.
We're riding in a burning taxi’s glow
Giddy-yap giddy-yap giddy-yap, it's grand,
Obeying commands,
We'll rumble along righting wrongs
In an alien desert land!

The flames are red and rosy.
Uncomfortably cozy are we;
We hope we’re safe from harm
In our partially armored Humvee,
And in the mosque before us
We’ve got insurgents in view,
It’s time to find out whether
We can slay an Iraqi or two.

We could grab a batch of Sunnis and a ran(crack!)dom kid,
And then stack ‘em in a naked human pyr(crack!)amid
They'll be singing the songs we make them sing
Without a single stop,
While outside we can hear militia rifles pop,
Pop! Pop! Pop!

There's a satisfaction nothing in the world can buy
When we order air support and watch the bodies fly,
But the truck ahead hit an IED, and one of them survived.
These wonderful things are the things
we’ll remember for our whole lives!

It’s true we have to dodge
An occasional RPG,
But we’ll obey our orders
To impose a democracy,
We hope that you don’t mind
If you find we’re occasionally blue,
While we’re discovering whether
We can slay an Iraqi or two.

Don't Drop Your Baby on the Floor

(sung to the tune of “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes”)


A posh suburban Houston home:
A maid and babe left all alone,
Well, she tripped and slipped and hit her funny bone,
And dropped poor Georgie like a stone.

(refrain:)
Don’t drop your baby on the floor,
Don’t use its head to stop the door,
‘Cause it might grow up to be like little George,
Don’t drop your baby on the floor.

Well, Georgie grew up big and strong,
But something still was slightly wrong.
When he spoke, his words would never play along
Because his ding was slightly donged.
(refrain)

Would he have gone off on a spree,
Bankrupted all those mortgagees,
And let bankers trash our poor economy,
If George had only scraped his knee?
(refrain)

Now our GIs have fought and bled,
The VA’s running out of beds
And Iraq has got a hundred thousand dead,
Because poor Georgie hit his head.
(refrain)

He ruled for years, and four years more,
Defeated Kerry and Al Gore,
So I have to think that mothers, o’er and o’er
Dropped future voters on the floor

Don’t drop your baby on the floor,
Don’t use its head to stop the door,
‘Cause when it grows up, just who will it vote for?
Don’t drop your baby on the floor.

The Carol of the Bums

Come, they told me, ba-rumba bum bum,
Billy Kenoi to see, ba rumba bum bum,
Our finest gifts we’ll bring, ba rumba bum bum,
And we’ll make Billy king, ba rumba bumb bum, rumba bum bum, rumba bum bum,
Then he’ll kiss our ba rumba bum bums,
When we come.

ILWU, ba rumba bum bum,
Buy Fresh Onishi, too, ba rumba bum bum,
Contractors, follow suit, ba rumba bum bum,
With Honolulu loot, ba rumba bumb bum, rumba bum bum, rumba bumb bum,
And they’ll kiss our ba rumba bum bums,
When we come.

Jacobson’s gone, ba rumba bum bum,
We’ll pave Hanoa’s lawn, ba rumba bum bum,
We’ll make some turtle soup, ba rumba bum bum,
Now Ka’u’s finally duped, ba rumba bum bum, rumba bum bum, rumba bum bum,
And they’ll kiss our ba rumba bum bums,
When we come.

Oops, the market’s ba rumba bum gone,
Those mortgages have fizzed, ba rumbabum gone.
Now all we own is this ba rumbabum bum
Damn county government, ba rumba bumb um, rumba bum bum, rumba bum bum,
Can we borrow, ba rumba bum bum,
Some of your funds?