Stonepecker Blues

Well, I got me a great career.
I drive a D-9 for C. Breweer,
It's got a hydraulic hammer, a steel-toothed slammer
Breakin' boulders like bottles of beer,
The only problem's when I get home,
I get the shakes from breakin' all of that stone,
Well, my knees keep shakin' and my arms are quakin',
'Got vibrations down in my bones.
Well, it's drivin' my wife insane,
I'm like a vibratin' machine
But I'm numb down to my shoes.
I've got those stonepecker,
Stonepecker blues!

Well, I 'm the envy of all my peers,
Though I got no feeling in my rear.
I'll make a field of a'a cry for its mama
And I hope that Madame Pele don't hear.
But my own hearing's not so good,
And my arms feel like they're made outta wood,
I got a callous bladder, and my wife gets mad
Because I use the bathroom more than I should.
Well, it's drivin' my wife insane,
I'm like a vibratin' machine,
But my liver is obscene
And my kidneys aren't worth beans
And my guts have settled down
Into a small and compact mound,
And I'm numb down to my shoes,
I've got those stonepecker,
Stonepecker blues!

Slay Ride

Just hear those spent shells jingling,
Ring ting tingling too
It’s time to wonder whether
We should slay an Iraqi or two.
Outside the bombs are falling
And children are bawling, "Boo hoo."
It’s time to wonder whether
We should slay an Iraqi or two.

Giddy-yap giddy-yap giddy-yap, let's go
And look at the show.
We're riding in a burning taxi’s glow
Giddy-yap giddy-yap giddy-yap, it's grand,
Obeying commands,
We'll rumble along righting wrongs
In an alien desert land!

The flames are red and rosy.
Uncomfortably cozy are we;
We hope we’re safe from harm
In our partially armored Humvee,
And in the mosque before us
We’ve got insurgents in view,
It’s time to find out whether
We can slay an Iraqi or two.

We could grab a batch of Sunnis and a ran(crack!)dom kid,
And then stack ‘em in a naked human pyr(crack!)amid
They'll be singing the songs we make them sing
Without a single stop,
While outside we can hear militia rifles pop,
Pop! Pop! Pop!

There's a satisfaction nothing in the world can buy
When we order air support and watch the bodies fly,
But the truck ahead hit an IED, and one of them survived.
These wonderful things are the things
we’ll remember for our whole lives!

It’s true we have to dodge
An occasional RPG,
But we’ll obey our orders
To impose a democracy,
We hope that you don’t mind
If you find we’re occasionally blue,
While we’re discovering whether
We can slay an Iraqi or two.

Don't Drop Your Baby on the Floor

(sung to the tune of “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes”)


A posh suburban Houston home:
A maid and babe left all alone,
Well, she tripped and slipped and hit her funny bone,
And dropped poor Georgie like a stone.

(refrain:)
Don’t drop your baby on the floor,
Don’t use its head to stop the door,
‘Cause it might grow up to be like little George,
Don’t drop your baby on the floor.

Well, Georgie grew up big and strong,
But something still was slightly wrong.
When he spoke, his words would never play along
Because his ding was slightly donged.
(refrain)

Would he have gone off on a spree,
Bankrupted all those mortgagees,
And let bankers trash our poor economy,
If George had only scraped his knee?
(refrain)

Now our GIs have fought and bled,
The VA’s running out of beds
And Iraq has got a hundred thousand dead,
Because poor Georgie hit his head.
(refrain)

He ruled for years, and four years more,
Defeated Kerry and Al Gore,
So I have to think that mothers, o’er and o’er
Dropped future voters on the floor

Don’t drop your baby on the floor,
Don’t use its head to stop the door,
‘Cause when it grows up, just who will it vote for?
Don’t drop your baby on the floor.

The Carol of the Bums

Come, they told me, ba-rumba bum bum,
Billy Kenoi to see, ba rumba bum bum,
Our finest gifts we’ll bring, ba rumba bum bum,
And we’ll make Billy king, ba rumba bumb bum, rumba bum bum, rumba bum bum,
Then he’ll kiss our ba rumba bum bums,
When we come.

ILWU, ba rumba bum bum,
Buy Fresh Onishi, too, ba rumba bum bum,
Contractors, follow suit, ba rumba bum bum,
With Honolulu loot, ba rumba bumb bum, rumba bum bum, rumba bumb bum,
And they’ll kiss our ba rumba bum bums,
When we come.

Jacobson’s gone, ba rumba bum bum,
We’ll pave Hanoa’s lawn, ba rumba bum bum,
We’ll make some turtle soup, ba rumba bum bum,
Now Ka’u’s finally duped, ba rumba bum bum, rumba bum bum, rumba bum bum,
And they’ll kiss our ba rumba bum bums,
When we come.

Oops, the market’s ba rumba bum gone,
Those mortgages have fizzed, ba rumbabum gone.
Now all we own is this ba rumbabum bum
Damn county government, ba rumba bumb um, rumba bum bum, rumba bum bum,
Can we borrow, ba rumba bum bum,
Some of your funds?

On Da First Day of Christmas

On da first day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me
da promise of one house foa me

On da second day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da tird day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
three landfill sites
two sewage plants
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da fourt day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da fit day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
five shopping malls!
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da six day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
Six industrial areas,
five shopping malls!
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da sevent day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
seven parking lots
Six industrial areas,
five shopping malls!
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da eight day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
eight docks foa barges,
seven parking lots
Six industrial areas,
five shopping malls!
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da nint day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
nine ranching parcels,
eight docks foa barges,
seven parking lots
Six industrial areas,
five shopping malls!
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da tent day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
ten bureaucrats bumbling,
nine ranching parcels,
eight docks foa barges,
seven parking lots
Six industrial areas,
five shopping malls!
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me


On da elevent day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
eleven planes a-landing,
ten bureaucrats bumbling,
nine ranching parcels,
eight docks foa barges,
seven parking lots
Six industrial areas,
five shopping malls!
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
an’ da promise of one house foa me

On da twelf day of Christmas, da Homelands gave to me,
one twelve-acre Walmart,
eleven planes a-landing,
ten bureaucrats bumbling,
nine ranching parcels,
eight docks foa barges,
seven parking lots
Six industrial areas,
five shopping malls!
four airplane runways
three landfill sites
two sewage plants,
but dey still no get house foa me.

Georgie Claws is Coming to Town

Oh, you'd better watch out, you'd better not cry,

You'd better not place a call to Dubai.

Georgie-Claws is coming to town.

He's making a list, and checking it twice,

After he's asked Dick Cheney's advice.

Georgie-Claws is coming to town.

He sees you when you're sleeping,

He knows when you're awake.

He knows if you're a terrorist

Or you're just a liberal flake.

Oh, you'd better not leak, you'd better not blab,

You'd better not raid an animal lab.

Georgie-Claws is coming to town.

With little wire taps and tiny live cams,

He's even planted bugs on your hams.

Georgie-Claws is coming to town.

With little hidden cameras

In every public place,

He'll know if you write "Xmas" or say

"Happy Holidays!"

So you'd better not shout of saving the whales.

You'd better shut up and go to the sales.

Georgie-Claws is starting to frown,

Georgie-Claws is writing it down,

Georgie-Claws is coming to town.